Midweek Politics with David Pakman - NH Gay Marriage Debate, Arabic Student Detained & Questioned

During a hearing in New Hampshire related to repealing same-sex marriage, Representative Nancy Elliott gives some strange and entertaining thoughts about homosexual activity. The new national security distraction of Arabic language students from the US, highlighted by the aggressive detention and interrogation of Nick George from Pomona College who was caught with English/Arabic flashcards for words such as funny and to smile. We discuss whether going after students studying Arabic for 4 hours with 7 different law enforcement officials keeps us more safe, or takes resources away from actual potential terrorists. Broadcast on February 17, 2010 Midweek Politics with David Pakman is a nationally syndicated talk radio and program. www.midweekpolitics.com http

Marriage After an Affair? You Can Save Your Marriage

Your spouse is the person with whom you had once decided to live your life with, have children, and loved more than yourself. If you come across the extra marital affair of your spouse after living with him, or her, for years, it becomes really difficult to forgive the infidelity of your partner. Still, there are people who are ready to brave every odd situation that comes their way to a happy conjugal life. These are the people who are truly committed to their marriage.

Infidelity is definitely a violent blow to the marital relationship but the real credit lies in overshadowing all adversities. The first question that arrives is about forgiving your spouse after they were caught cheating on you. Can you restore the trust of your spouse that you have forfeited? The answer is you have to try your best to convince your partner regarding your reasons behind making a new start.

Think how your spouse is the person whom you have loved and adored for so many years and you cannot allow a single mistake or disloyalty to slaughter your marital relationship. If you are the one who is guilty of infidelity and wish to correct yourself to continue with your marriage after that, then make your spouse realize how much you regret your dishonesty. This will help in restoring the trust that your spouse lost for you.

Remember if you are guilty, it's you who should always step forward to repair your relation with your spouse. Snap off all ties with your extramarital affair as now you are determined to go on with your marriage after facing so many hurdles. Try to make your spouse feel mentally secured so that he or she can come out of the trauma. You can always make little gestures to make your spouse feel special again. Don't just sway her by making false promises just for the sake of saving your marriage. This way your spouse may feel you actually lied just to gain her trust without being sincere in your decision and that will be your second blunder.

Be truthful to your spouse. Your spouse may every day want to know about what you did that day? Where you went? Who else was there with you?, etc. and you have to respectfully answer all the questions of your partner. Never be late for anything or any matter where your spouse is expecting you. This will ease your spouse from the threat of losing you all over again, and he or she may feel that there is still a marriage after all the pains that can be cherished throughout your lives.

How to Improve Your Marriage When Your Spouse Wants Out

Knowing that you're the only one in a party of two who wants to save your marriage is a very lonely situation to be in. You feel like the odd man (or woman) out and feel like the only one who still cares enough to attempt to save the relationship. And often, you aren't quite sure how to proceed because you suspect that any attempt that you make is only going to be met with suspicion or is going to fall on deaf ears.

You don't have to let this allow you to stop trying to save your marriage or to never get started. There are some things that you can do to improve your situation when you are the only one who is interested in doing so. Often, you might have to try some new things and you'll need to make these attempts look like they are happening naturally and effortlessly. But, it truly can be done and you don't always need your spouse's cooperation (at least at first) to do it. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Any Improvements That You Make To Your Marriage Must Be Genuine And Sustainable: Here are the biggest mistakes that I see people make. They will go way overboard in both the things that they say and the things that they do. They will make grand, sweeping gestures and comments that come out of the blue and come off as totally fake. An example would be promising that they will make all the concessions, that they are going to completely change, and that the marriage is going to be very low maintenance, because they are going to be the one doing all of the work.

The problem with this is that, very often your past behavior and the past results are in direct conflict with this. Also, you've likely already made all types of promises in the past that have not really come to pass. So, your spouse is going to understandably probably think something like "here were go again" when you start making all of these promises. It likely will soon become clear that you must show and not tell them that there are going to be some positive changes. Prepare yourself for the fact that they are going to have doubts and may out and out tell you that you are wrong or may ignore what you are saying. The answer to this is to just keep right on going so that eventually they will see that you are potentially right.

The second problem that people have is that they make promises or attempts that are just not sustainable. If you are the one who is making all of the changes and the efforts, it's pretty unrealistic to think that you can keep this up forever. If you are not at peace with what you are doing and are promising, eventually your expressions and frustrations are going to give you away. This is not fair to you and to your spouse. It's so important that you are able to come up with a plan that is in alignment with your personal beliefs and with your heart. There is always a compromise and a happy medium that is acceptable to both people.

Sometimes, when I tell people this, they will respond with something like "well, I have to be the one who makes all of the concessions because he won't help me save the marriage in any way. I am doing this completely on my own. What else am I supposed to do here?" The answer lies in the theory that if your own actions are in alignment with what you want from them (and the results are good,) they are eventually going to get with the program. I will explain this more below.

Giving Your Spouse Exactly What You Are Hoping To Receive: I know that this phrase might seem a little backward, but please hear me out. If you can identify what is missing in your marriage (intimacy, honestly, communication, etc. or whatever your issue may be) then it is up to you to take the initiative (at least at first.) If you want for your spouse to show you more time and attention, you can begin by giving them precisely this, even if they have not asked for it. See, many of us intuitively know that most marital problems stem from a lack of intimacy and time.

But most of us are also quite reluctant to put ourselves out there and to be the only one in the relationship who is vulnerable and trying to provide these things. And yet, if you don't take that step, it's quite possible that no one ever will. And, most of us can look at our relationship when we were first dating, compare it to what it is now, and see very clearly that we do not put nearly as much time and effort into it and yet we are hoping for the same results.

Most people have to admit, when they really honestly think about this, that this is an equation that just does not correctly add up. Someone is going to have to take the initiative and return what has been lost. You already know what you have done in the past that has contributed to your spouse being happy in the relationship. How much of that are you doing now? People make this more complicated than it needs to be. All human beings have very basic needs. They want to feel that the person they love understands them, has time for them, appreciates them, and cares for them like no one else.

It's highly likely that your spouse isn't showing these things to you right now, but you can start by showing these things to them. Yes, you are the one taking the first step, but it's also highly likely that over time, they will begin to see that you are very serious this time and that what you are doing is working. When this happens, they are much more likely to join you in your quest to save the marriage. Once that happens, your efforts are doubled and the success rate becomes much higher.

The Fear and Anxiety Around Marriage

For those who have never tied the knot, fear and anxiety surrounding marriage can often reach paranoid proportions. Many fret about the potential divorce and hurting associated with it than the love and affection possible within it. Single men, in particular, are in no hurry to be hitched for a variety of reasons, the top five being:

(1) The availability of sex without any commitment; (2) Acquiring a 'wife' through cohabitation without having to marry; (3) The wish to avoid both the risk and cost of divorce; (4) The desire to wait before having children; and - not an insignificant one - (5) The fact that marriage requires change and compromise.

How many of us accept change willingly, or are prepared to compromise, unless there is a great deal of personal benefit in it? Not many, it seems, particularly for single men over 35. Notice how the top five reasons also focus on money, sex and compromise, the three greatest preoccupations in any modern relationship.

A failure to deal with those three elements satisfactorily is not caused by the relationship per se but merely exacerbated by it. The predisposition for dealing with them is controlled by 'invisible forces', as I call them, which are present from that first encounter - forces which dictate the route and direction of any two people thrown together by circumstance, masking their more obvious personal traits. These forces are very strong, embedded as they are in our individual culture, values, personality, psyche and perception, while being continually influenced and altered by aspirations and life experiences. They dictate our approach to life itself and, when there is a crisis, they reveal themselves in their full glory.

The Desire to Impress Anyone can cope with life when it is calm and rosy, but the real character and worth of an individual shine through when there is stress and chaos. The main reason for this dual entity relates to our desire to be ourselves on one hand, yet to constantly impress others on the other, particularly potential partners. So, we are never likely to reveal our true selves while we are comfortable and well settled. For this reason, the longer the comfort time enjoyed in the relationship the less likely we are to truly know our partner. This is because, early in the relationship, we prefer to mirror the needs and expectations of others who matter to us until we are forced to reveal our true selves.

Thus, any new relationship is based on a kind of lie involving two strangers, who are rarely what they seem, for the primary purpose of eliciting maximum satisfaction from the new bonding. That is why partners appear to be markedly different after marriage, or after years of living together. As the saying goes, men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever, while women hope to change their men immediately after wedlock! The agenda is apparently set by both parties from the wedding day, except that each is careful not to reveal it until later. It only becomes noticeable over time as their individual personalities take over, especially if they are frustrated in their individual aims. So long as life is chugging along happily, and each half feels comfortable with the partnership, only a few easily observable characteristics will be exposed. The important ones will remain dormant and deadly for a long time until they are required.

Come a day that is stressful and problematic and new elements of the spouse's character, particularly negative ones, will be pushed to the fore. It is only a matter of time before those invisible forces take effect. Years later, when the couple seem almost like two strangers, they are likely to marvel how little they really knew their partners when they honestly thought they did. Hence the proverbial, "My wife/husband doesn't understand me" - a statement which might appear rather odd, considering the near-perfect understanding during courtship! Sometimes we are fortunate to meet others whose invisible forces align with ours in a very positive way, but that is not the norm, tending more towards the exception.

How to Save a Dying Marriage

All marriages have their ups and downs, and it is probably true that in most marriages there are times when those involved wonder if they've made a wise choice. One of the signs of a healthy marriage is the ability of both parties to maintain respect and appreciation for one another during such challenging circumstances. If you have become concerned that your marriage may be in danger of ending, this is always a good place to begin building a more positive rapport with your partner.

The South African Babemba tribe has a very unique protocol for those who commit crimes or wrongdoings in the community. They take the guilty person to the center of the village, and all the members of the tribe begin to remind him of his good and positive qualities. Sometimes the process takes two to three days. When everyone in the village has had an opportunity to speak, they go back to their everyday routine. Incidentally, they have very few occasions where this process is necessary.

This may seem an odd tradition to those of us who have become accustomed to the practice of punishment and retribution for wrongdoing. Yet, on a personal level, when we do something we are not proud of, it is forgiveness that heals, and it is a smiling face of acceptance and recognition that we are not a bad person that help us to rise above the negativity of the situation.

Often, when two people have become disenchanted in a relationship, they become hyper-focused on what they deem to be the negative characteristics and actions of one another, while failing to recognize or remember the positive. If your marriage is on the rocks, chances are that you both have been feeling like the "bad guy" as a result of such tendencies. A little reminder that each of you is appreciated for the good that you bring to the relationship can lift spirits and provide a spark of hope. Having a "village meeting" like the one practiced by the Babembas is a beautiful way to re-calibrate your marriage.

You may choose to set aside an hour or so for your meeting, and take some time beforehand to write down as many positive attributes and behaviors as you can recall about your partner. What we choose to place our attention on determines the experience we will have. By choosing to notice the positive attributes in your mate, you begin to create an energetic shift, and a different, more pleasant experience of her emerges. As your partner realizes your acknowledgment of his good qualities, he begins to feel more like a valuable person and less like a failure. The constructive energy that such a practice brings to the relationship can allow both of you to soften a bit, creating an environment more conducive to growth, and an opportunity to move forward.

Saving Your Marriage Even Before it Starts

More than 50% of the marriages in America end in divorce these days. These are sobering statistics if you are planning a wedding. You might want to hold off on planning the wedding and save the dates and then start saving your marriage before it starts. At first blush this may sound like odd advice, but once you think about it, saving your marriage before it starts makes perfect sense.

Obviously, with the high rate of divorce and even higher rate of dissatisfaction in marriages today, something is seriously wrong. The fact is that most people rush into marriage while in a euphoric state called being "in love". This is actually a chemical reaction that two people have with each other and in no way indicates whether a couple is compatible with each other or not. Taking the time to develop a strong relationship before you plan the wedding and save the dates could be exactly what you need to create a strong marriage or avoid a terrible mistake. There are even classes available at some churches that will test couples for compatibility and teach them what they need to do to save your marriage before it starts. This could help to dramatically reduce the divorce rate if every couple considering getting married would take these classes.

Trying to save a failing marriage once it has become strained is much more difficult than building the proper foundation before you get married. Once the trouble begins it can be nearly impossible to save the marriage, so be sure to know what you are getting into before you make a big mistake. It is better to find out you are not compatible before the wedding than to get divorced later or save your marriage and ruin your life by trying to stay with a spouse who is abusive. Saving your marriage before it starts is the best way to save your marriage and your life.

Save Your Marriage Or Get a Divorce

It's a wonder why marriages fail 50 percent of the time. You'd think that having found your perfect match, your life would be plain sailing. But instead, you're wondering how to save your marriage.

Truth is, married life isn't just a walk in the park. You need to put effort into a marriage to make it work. Most marriages aren't perfect and many are far from it. Marriage problems may arise at times, but it's important to deal with them.

Arguments and disagreements are normal in a relationship. However it's important to deal with these problems. You can't just run and hide from marriage problems. Choosing to ignore marriage problem signs is just asking for trouble.

It's also a sign that your marriage might be in need of help. But don't worry, there are lots you can do to save your marriage. One option is marriage counseling. A marriage counselor can certainly help, but ultimately it's down to the couple to resolve their marriage problems.

Sometimes a marriage can seem like it's beyond repair, especially if neither spouse is making the effort to communicate. It's not always possible to know what your spouse wants, especially if the communication between two spouses is far from existent. In these cases a marriage counselor can help bridge a relationship.

Of course, it's not absolutely necessary to see a marriage counselor. In most cases a married couple can resolve their issues by sitting down and talking. We're all different; we all have our own characters and personalities. So it's important to accept these differences and compromise.

Relationships can dull over time and it can feel that you no longer share anything in common with each other. Choosing the right activities can help bound a couple. Make the effort to do things together that you both enjoy, or take it in turns to try something that each spouse likes. Spending quality time with each other can make or break a relationship.

Is there hope to save a marriage when infidelity, addiction or domestic violence is involved? Not all marriage problems can be resolved and not all marriages need saving. Sometimes divorce is the best answer.

Making the right choice can be difficult, so it's important to take time and really discuss the pros and cons of divorce. It's odd to think that marriage can bring so much despair and unhappiness into ones life. It may surprise you however, that bad marriages verging on divorce can be turned around.

Often this requires a spouse, or both spouses to change their perspective and even behavior towards one another. But it can be done, with a little time and lots of communication and understanding you can save your marriage.

Marriage Cheating Signs

The 8 telltale clues you won't want to miss!

Finding out that your husband or wife is being unfaithful is a devastating time that no one ever wants to experience for themselves. However, it's definitely much better to be aware of the situation and know what's going on instead of being betrayed, lied to, and possibly in danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Here are some of the most common signs of cheating in the marriage you should be aware of:

1. Secretive phone use: Being secretive while on the phone and receiving or making strange calls on the cell phone are two of the top signs of infidelity.

2. Sudden changes in work hours: If, for years your spouse has worked a certain schedule and now it's changed or varies from day to day, this may indicate something isn't as it appears.

3. Picking fights: Cheating spouses often start arguments with their mates for one of several reasons, the most common of which being guilt. Pay attention if all of a sudden your spouse seems to pick fights, criticize your every move, and generally seem argumentative for some odd reason.

4. Suspicious charges credit card accounts: Strange charges on credit card accounts are definitely red flags to watch for, making a good case for spouses having joint accounts as opposed to separate bank or credit card accounts.

5. Extra miles on the car your spouse uses the most: Watch for unaccounted for miles and extra wear and tear on your spouse's car. Needing gas more frequently should also be questioned if before, your husband or wife usually only needed to fill up the car a few times per month, but now it's far more often.

6. Spending more time online: Every time you're looking for your spouse, there they are logged on the computer again. If they're suddenly nervous or closing open windows and websites as soon as you near the monitor, they may be doing something worth looking into.

7. Acting defensive: If your partner acts defensive anytime anyone, especially you, brings up the subject of cheating or being unfaithful in a marriage, you may definitely want to find out why. In most, but not all, cases, when someone acts overly defensive of a particular subject, there's usually a good reason behind the odd behavior.

8. Changes in your sex life: Changes in one's sex life, most usually a noticeable decrease in frequency, may be a sign your spouse is being intimate with someone else. However, it should be said that there could be other valid reasons behind a lack of interest in sex, including certain medications or medical problems, as well as stress, tension, and problems at work. Opening the lines of communication between you and your spouse is the only sure way to get to the bottom of this important issue.

While any one of these signs on its own may be something totally innocent and completely explainable, a few of them added together do indeed point to infidelity. You certainly don't want to accuse your spouse unnecessarily, nor do you want to sit idly by while they're cheating either, making it important to have patience, waiting until your suspicions are confirmed before confronting them and making your plans for the future.

Scrubs - Elliots weird marriage

Elliot thinks of marrying a jewish guy

Marriage Counselors Can Help

The role of marriage counselors is a highly important one in the terms of helping families work out their problems and stay together. For the children of a couple in disarray, it can be very stressful to be in a family where the parents are fighting. The marriage expert acts like a referee who comes in to settle the disputes and get everyone working together again. They help the children of the family by helping the parents become friends and soul mates once again.

Defined simply, marriage counselors are trained qualified professionals that will provide treatment and help to heal a person, or a couple, in order to resolve the outstanding conflicts that exist between them.

Many feel that marriage has slowly eroded over the years when compared to the relatively low divorce rates of previous decades. However, it should be noted that in those days couples stayed together no matter what, most often for the children because divorce was frowned upon. However, these days things are much more open and divorce is used more often now as a means to split up two people who can no longer spend time together. Whether it is because couples both have busy and stressful lives that slowly cause them to drift apart, or if there are other reasons for the marriage difficulty, the professionals are there to provide help to both parties.

If you are suffering through marriage difficulties at the moment, then there may be a need for professional relationship help. Through counseling and therapy, the relationship professionals will be able to offer marriage advice to help you and your spouse work things out. Rather than simply go for the easy route of the divorce, you can talk with a relationship expert, get relationship advice and marriage counseling to work things out.

When you decide to find a marriage therapist, you should make sure that you find a licensed marriage family therapist. The reason that you want to have someone who is licensed in family and marriage therapy is because the therapy not only is needed for you and your spouse, but the children as well. The therapist needs to be a licensed professional who can counsel the children, you and your friends through these difficult times. When your family and friends see that your marriage is hitting a rocky patch, they become worried and they begin to feel stress over the whole situation. With marriage counseling, those stresses and problems can be repaired for the exterior individuals of your marriage.

Another main reason why you will want to try and find licensed marriage counselors and licensed family therapists is because they will cost money, and that means you will end up paying out of pocket if you don't get a marriage family therapist that is licensed. Licensed marriage counselors and therapists are usually covered by insurance, and that means one less stress in your mind during the trying period of marriage instability.

Another thing that you might need to consider when you are getting relationship advice from marriage counselors is that you are okay with their sex and cultural background. This may be an odd thing to think of for your marriage expert, but if you are more comfortable with a marriage counselor that is male, you are going to be more open to repairing the relationship. On that same note, you should make sure that you choose a gender that is going to work for both you and your spouse. The same goes for the cultural backgrounds of marriage counselors.

Marriage is all about cooperation, and it only works if everyone is on board and going in the right direction. Between you, your spouse, the kids, your extended family and even your friends, everyone needs to be on board. This is where marriage counselors come in and that is the biggest thing to understand about the role of marriage counseling. They are there to get everyone on the same page and working together again.

If you are visiting a marriage expert and you are still in the me and them mentality, it is not going to work. You have to be open; you have to be honest because the relationship expert can only create solutions to the problems you face by what you tell them. If you lie, the solutions will fail and the marriage most likely will fail with it.

Taking the steps towards marriage counseling and marriage family therapy means that you and your spouse have reached the point where you know that something needs to be fixed and something needs to change. You are already halfway there, and undertaking marriage counseling can get you the rest of the way to the marriage you used to have.

Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can't Afford to Ignore

If you're like most people, you probably entered into marriage with a number of unchallenged assumptions in place. These assumptions may have been about what marriage is and entails, about love, or about your spouse. While you may have already bumped into reality concerning some of your assumptions, you still may be operating with others firmly in place.

Why should you be concerned if this is the case? Because what you aren't aware of can blindside you down the marital road, that's why. Life throws in enough surprises on its own, so you don't want to be caught off guard unnecessarily.

The following misguided assumptions can get you into trouble in your marriage. Review them for a quick reality check:

1. You should always feel loving toward your spouse.

It's not realistic to think that you'll always have loving feelings toward your spouse. There are occasions when Lee and I are upset with each other and we don't like each other very much. We may have to make an effort to remind ourselves of the other person's positive traits.

At those times, we know that underneath all of our upset feelings we still love each other, but the predominant feelings we're experiencing are anger and hurt. And it's difficult to feel loving when you're frustrated, feeling resentful, or harboring anger toward your spouse.

That's when it's vitally important to clear the air as soon as possible so you can be in harmony with your spouse and get those loving feelings back.

2. Love should consistently feel the same way.

Feelings vary in intensity over time. It's just not possible to experience forever the ecstatic feelings that can be there when a relationship is new and you've just fallen in love. At that time, every sensation is ultra intense and heightened.

But the feelings associated with the initial or honeymoon period of every relationship eventually change. Love deepens and grows in different ways.

Of course, there are still wonderful high's, but there are other feelings in the cycle of love that you also experience--a rhythmic waning and waxing of desire, the enjoyment of companionship, and the comfortableness of knowing someone well and sharing a history together. Love has many faces and produces a variety of feelings during a marriage.

3. Your spouse should just "know" what you need without you having to tell him or her.

It's not unusual to feel that if your spouse really loved you, he or she would somehow be aware of your needs and desires without having to ask you. But in reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to "read their mind."

This particular assumption leads to many hurt feelings in a marriage. "He should have known that I wouldn't want to celebrate my birthday with his family." Or "She should have known that all I wanted from her was a little understanding and sympathy."

When this happens, spouses often erroneously conclude that their spouse must not love them or they would have been more tuned in to their wishes and needs. But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices.

4. If you really love each other, keeping a loving relationship shouldn't take much work.

I've heard this or statements similar to this numerous times. But the sobering reality is that relationships always take a lot of work.

It's a challenge to keep the communication channels clear of debris and residue from disagreements. It takes time and effort to follow up by checking with the other person to be sure that things aren't building up under the surface and that everything is truly okay now.

This process can be compared to housecleaning. You can clean the house one week, but by the next week it needs cleaning again. It's a constant cycle--the same is true in a marriage relationship. What you ignore doesn't just go away; it stays right where it is, waiting for more dust or debris to collect on top of it.

5. Being married lets you off the hook in the romance department and sets you up in the sex department.

This assumption has tripped many spouses up. As a counselor, many times I've heard the statement, "But I thought now that we're married, I didn't have to do all of that romantic stuff I used to do."

Often this is said when the marriage problems are already serious and the marriage is in crisis. It just makes good sense to take the offensive and make the effort to find ways to be romantic throughout your marriage. If you do, you'll be accumulating those "good will" bank deposits or "brownie points" that Lee likes to talk about.

And as for thinking that marriage assures you of unlimited great sex without any extra effort on your part, that's a fantasy. Emotional intimacy sets the stage for great sex and depends on good communication, plus a host of other qualities such as sensitivity and empathy, all of which take work.

6. Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage.

This is an assumption which has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay.

It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse's tone of voice and non-verbal communication. It also pays to learn to disagree without attacking each other and to be respectful even when you don't understand how your spouse could possibly have such odd ideas.

When you create a safe environment for discussing your real feelings, you increase the likelihood that your spouse will gain the courage to share from the heart with you. You can help this process by taking the lead in making yourself vulnerable by sharing your real feelings in a respectful way.

7. The commitment expressed in your wedding vows is enough to sustain your relationship.

The commitment you made to your spouse and marriage on your wedding day was certainly important--and it counts for a lot. But it's not enough.

It's all-too-easy to treat the marriage commitment as a one-time thing, when the reality is that a satisfying, healthy relationship requires daily commitment--over and over again, day by day. It's similar to what individuals do who are successful in 12-step programs for sobriety--they recommit to their sobriety each day.

The recovering alcoholic may say, "Just for today, I'm sober, with God's help." The spouse with a successful marriage makes a daily commitment, also, even if it's unspoken--"Today I will honor my marriage and be the best supportive partner I can be." It's that level of daily dedication and commitment that makes the difference in marriages that make it and those that don't.