Knowing that you're the only one in a party of two who wants to save your marriage is a very lonely situation to be in. You feel like the odd man (or woman) out and feel like the only one who still cares enough to attempt to save the relationship. And often, you aren't quite sure how to proceed because you suspect that any attempt that you make is only going to be met with suspicion or is going to fall on deaf ears.
You don't have to let this allow you to stop trying to save your marriage or to never get started. There are some things that you can do to improve your situation when you are the only one who is interested in doing so. Often, you might have to try some new things and you'll need to make these attempts look like they are happening naturally and effortlessly. But, it truly can be done and you don't always need your spouse's cooperation (at least at first) to do it. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Any Improvements That You Make To Your Marriage Must Be Genuine And Sustainable: Here are the biggest mistakes that I see people make. They will go way overboard in both the things that they say and the things that they do. They will make grand, sweeping gestures and comments that come out of the blue and come off as totally fake. An example would be promising that they will make all the concessions, that they are going to completely change, and that the marriage is going to be very low maintenance, because they are going to be the one doing all of the work.
The problem with this is that, very often your past behavior and the past results are in direct conflict with this. Also, you've likely already made all types of promises in the past that have not really come to pass. So, your spouse is going to understandably probably think something like "here were go again" when you start making all of these promises. It likely will soon become clear that you must show and not tell them that there are going to be some positive changes. Prepare yourself for the fact that they are going to have doubts and may out and out tell you that you are wrong or may ignore what you are saying. The answer to this is to just keep right on going so that eventually they will see that you are potentially right.
The second problem that people have is that they make promises or attempts that are just not sustainable. If you are the one who is making all of the changes and the efforts, it's pretty unrealistic to think that you can keep this up forever. If you are not at peace with what you are doing and are promising, eventually your expressions and frustrations are going to give you away. This is not fair to you and to your spouse. It's so important that you are able to come up with a plan that is in alignment with your personal beliefs and with your heart. There is always a compromise and a happy medium that is acceptable to both people.
Sometimes, when I tell people this, they will respond with something like "well, I have to be the one who makes all of the concessions because he won't help me save the marriage in any way. I am doing this completely on my own. What else am I supposed to do here?" The answer lies in the theory that if your own actions are in alignment with what you want from them (and the results are good,) they are eventually going to get with the program. I will explain this more below.
Giving Your Spouse Exactly What You Are Hoping To Receive: I know that this phrase might seem a little backward, but please hear me out. If you can identify what is missing in your marriage (intimacy, honestly, communication, etc. or whatever your issue may be) then it is up to you to take the initiative (at least at first.) If you want for your spouse to show you more time and attention, you can begin by giving them precisely this, even if they have not asked for it. See, many of us intuitively know that most marital problems stem from a lack of intimacy and time.
But most of us are also quite reluctant to put ourselves out there and to be the only one in the relationship who is vulnerable and trying to provide these things. And yet, if you don't take that step, it's quite possible that no one ever will. And, most of us can look at our relationship when we were first dating, compare it to what it is now, and see very clearly that we do not put nearly as much time and effort into it and yet we are hoping for the same results.
Most people have to admit, when they really honestly think about this, that this is an equation that just does not correctly add up. Someone is going to have to take the initiative and return what has been lost. You already know what you have done in the past that has contributed to your spouse being happy in the relationship. How much of that are you doing now? People make this more complicated than it needs to be. All human beings have very basic needs. They want to feel that the person they love understands them, has time for them, appreciates them, and cares for them like no one else.
It's highly likely that your spouse isn't showing these things to you right now, but you can start by showing these things to them. Yes, you are the one taking the first step, but it's also highly likely that over time, they will begin to see that you are very serious this time and that what you are doing is working. When this happens, they are much more likely to join you in your quest to save the marriage. Once that happens, your efforts are doubled and the success rate becomes much higher.
No comments:
Post a Comment