How to Save a Dying Marriage

All marriages have their ups and downs, and it is probably true that in most marriages there are times when those involved wonder if they've made a wise choice. One of the signs of a healthy marriage is the ability of both parties to maintain respect and appreciation for one another during such challenging circumstances. If you have become concerned that your marriage may be in danger of ending, this is always a good place to begin building a more positive rapport with your partner.

The South African Babemba tribe has a very unique protocol for those who commit crimes or wrongdoings in the community. They take the guilty person to the center of the village, and all the members of the tribe begin to remind him of his good and positive qualities. Sometimes the process takes two to three days. When everyone in the village has had an opportunity to speak, they go back to their everyday routine. Incidentally, they have very few occasions where this process is necessary.

This may seem an odd tradition to those of us who have become accustomed to the practice of punishment and retribution for wrongdoing. Yet, on a personal level, when we do something we are not proud of, it is forgiveness that heals, and it is a smiling face of acceptance and recognition that we are not a bad person that help us to rise above the negativity of the situation.

Often, when two people have become disenchanted in a relationship, they become hyper-focused on what they deem to be the negative characteristics and actions of one another, while failing to recognize or remember the positive. If your marriage is on the rocks, chances are that you both have been feeling like the "bad guy" as a result of such tendencies. A little reminder that each of you is appreciated for the good that you bring to the relationship can lift spirits and provide a spark of hope. Having a "village meeting" like the one practiced by the Babembas is a beautiful way to re-calibrate your marriage.

You may choose to set aside an hour or so for your meeting, and take some time beforehand to write down as many positive attributes and behaviors as you can recall about your partner. What we choose to place our attention on determines the experience we will have. By choosing to notice the positive attributes in your mate, you begin to create an energetic shift, and a different, more pleasant experience of her emerges. As your partner realizes your acknowledgment of his good qualities, he begins to feel more like a valuable person and less like a failure. The constructive energy that such a practice brings to the relationship can allow both of you to soften a bit, creating an environment more conducive to growth, and an opportunity to move forward.