So, you've been caught having an Affair, but yet you realize you still want to Save The Marriage.
Well, you probably realise it by now, that you have a lot of work ahead of you to Save The Marriage (if indeed your partner will even take you back) Marriage is generally built on foundations of trust, and having an affair (whether it's the husband or wife) damages those trust foundations often irreparably. There's an old saying that your partner will probably be told by her friends and other family right now, that if you've done it once, you'll do it again, and rebuilding that level of trust again is going to take time, and patience.
The six best things you can do, to rebuild that trust, and eventually help to save the marriage are:
1) Put an end to the Affair. This is paramount. You won't have any chance of rekindling your marriage, and making it the kind of marriage you really want whilst you still continue the affair with the other person.
2 ) If you happen to be the partner caught cheating, (it doesn't matter too much how you were caught) you need to understand the reasons why you were cheating. There are essentially a couple of main reasons why you would have strayed, one being that you're lonely and/or unfulfilled by your partner, ie they don't give you what you think you need, and the other is that you have no self control, and easily give in to any temptation that comes your way. (You probably can't hold back from temptation in other areas of your life also) If you fall into the 'easily tempted' category, your ability to save the marriage is likely to be a bigger struggle than you think, because you're the type that will typically 'do it again'.
3) Develop an empathy for the damage you have done to your partner, and the children in your marriage. They are the unfortunate victims in this web of deceit. You won't be able to take away the hurt you have created, but you can certainly offer your deepest apologies for the hurt, and damage you have done to your family unit.
4) If necessary for the health of the marriage, move out into temporary accommodation, and allow your partner the feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, etc. Tell them how sorry you are, and allow them to be verbally angry at you. They may end up wanting to physically harm you, or even to strike out, but use your judgement on whether this is appropriate. Revenge shouldn't be an acceptable response in this situation, although it could very well go through your partner's mind.
5) Don't whatever you do, tell your partner that the 'affair meant nothing' or that you 'never intended to hurt them' These are empty words, that count for nothing, and show a total lack of concern or respect to your partner. If the affair truly meant nothing, then why have one? It tells your partner that the affair meant more than to you than the marriage, which incidentally (because of your comment that it meant nothing) shows them that your marriage and your family meant even less.
6) Stay in touch with your partner, give them a little space (time wise) and let them know how sorry you are (not that you got caught - but that you realise what you stand to lose - and that you dont want to lose it) Send the occasional little gift, try and make the odd date, make your partner feel wanted or needed again. In other words, go though the courtship process all over again. this sort of process can take a long time to heal in your partner's mind, and so take it long, slow, steady, and persistently. This what you will need to be in order to regain what you may very well stand to lose if you do nothing.
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