Your mother-in-law says something that feels like:
a) a put down,
b) painful criticism,
c) intrusive advice,
d) an insult,
e) a crazy woman speaking.
Will you yell, sneer, show anger or leave the room? Do you cry, sulk or put on a wounded dog look? Are you sarcastic, aggressive or just stubbornly silent? These responses may seem reasonable, but another approach may be more effective. You could refuse to respond to aggression with aggression. You could, odd as it may sound, practice the principles of Aikido.
Aikido, one of the martial arts, is a way of defending oneself while also protecting the attacker from injury. The word Aikido, Wikipedia says, may be translated as "the Way of harmonious spirit."
Okay, you may be wondering why you want to protect from harm someone who just insulted you. Unless your mother-in-law really is a crazy woman, there is a good chance that her statement has less to do with you than with her. Some hurt she holds within her may prompt her disagreeable behavior. The odds are quite good that while the hurt may have been triggered by you, it was not caused by you.
Mother-in-law behavior that seems inexplicable may arise from inappropriate assumptions about the way the world should be. When the world does not back her up, your mother-in-law may feel hurt and blame you. Never mind whether this is fair or not, it is a reality you have to deal with. So how you can deal with it in a way that does the least damage to both of you?
Aikido is not turning the other cheek or passively ignoring the intention to harm. Rather, it invites engagement--an engagement that turns the attacker's momentum to your benefit. Here is a way to understand the concept: You push me, I push back. We are locked in a pushing match. Instead, if you push me, I step to the side. I use no energy, and you are suddenly off-balance.
How can we step aside or use the force of her attack to turn the mother-in-law in a different direction? How might Aikido offer a more productive way of dealing with hurtful comments? Here are a few examples of responses that aim to employ the Aikido principle to discharge the energy of the attack and turn the conversation in a more fruitful direction:
1. Substitute curiosity for resistance. "Hmmm, you think (repeat the offending comment). Tell me why you think that way since I know your son (or daughter) doesn't think that way at all."
2. Acknowledge difference and explore it. "It seems, that we have different values. That isn't good or bad, it is just different. Can we learn to accept our differences?"
3. Give honor and ask to be honored. "I respect your life since from it has come the person I have chosen to marry. Now I ask you to respect the way we live our lives. We want you in our life, but we need you to allow us to make choices that are right for us without feeling judged or criticized. When we need your good advice, I promise we will ask."
4. Frame the conversation you wish to have. "You know, I so much want to have a good relationship with you. I know it matters to your daughter (or son), but it matters to me as well. Can we discuss what we need to do to make that happen because we are not headed in that direction now?"
In an upsetting moment, it can be hard to gather our wits, find our voice and respond without defensiveness. If we feel hit, the natural urge is fight or flight. But with a bit of mental preparation and some deep breaths, it is possible to turn the discussion to good end. To do so, we have to be able to "go to the balcony," that is, to rise above what is happening on the ground, watch it with a distance that gives us some perspective and decide how to respond with our evolved brain, not our mammalian brain.
Will trying to follow Aikido principles always work? Probably not, but there is a very good chance that it can improve the dynamic and produce better behavior on all sides. When we speak authentically to one another, when we speak with love and not fear or anxiety, we can truly communicate, not just send words in each other's direction.
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